The pandemic clearly impacted how we could relate to other people and put restrictions around our ability to do this, particularly in person. It was perhaps this relational impact that affected people the most during the lockdown periods and led to feelings of social isolation with knock-on effects on our emotional wellbeing particularly. So, it would seem that relationships with other people have a profound effect on our wellbeing and if we can build positive relationships on the foundations of love, support, encouragement, caring, honesty, understanding, trust, respect and forgiveness; they will be significant deposits in our lives. 

When we look back, most of us would agree it is our relationship with others that will carry far more weight and importance than our achievements and possessions. I would suggest our first priority, and key relationship to invest in and get right, is that with God and I hope I have given some helpful guidance around this in the spiritual wellbeing section of the blog. Our ability to have more fruitful human relationships will come from an overflow of our relationship with Him.

Relationships are often complex and multi-layered and there are various issues that impact them from what we and others put into them. These can be influenced by past experiences, dating as far back as the relationships we had with our parents as children, and how we have been individually and uniquely made. Meaning how we view the world and other people can be different from somebody else, leading to potential disagreement and conflict. I have touched on this issue in a bit more detail in the section titled ‘Your mind is unique and wonderful.’ Within all these complexities, there are some clearer reasons why we might struggle in relationships, especially if we allow ourselves to be influenced by worldly views and habits.   

I think it is fair to say, that there is a cultural narrative that has emerged over recent years that life is about the pursuit of one’s own individual happiness, and that anyone should simply be able to pursue what makes them personally feel satisfied. This has further developed with the pursuit of freedom of speech and opinion, which ironically seems to have led to more conflict between people rather than less, as each person wrestles to get others to agree and follow their views and opinions about how they should live, rather than accept varying stances about this. It would seem society is becoming increasingly confused and lost with no known script to follow, and yet God has actually provided a very clear narrative for how we should live and relate to one another through the writings of the Bible, His living Word. 

“Love your neighbour as yourself.” Mark 12:31. “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honour.” Romans 12:10.

A good starting point in any relationship is that we should seek to put the other person’s desires, wants and needs ahead of our own and this directly opposes the present worldly narrative that we exist to please and satisfy ourselves first and foremost. 

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8.

In Romans 12, Paul warns us to be in the world but not of the world. If we allow the world to have an influence and hold on us rather than pursue closeness with and direction from God, our relationships will be stained by a world view imprint, rather than God’s imprint. In other words, our spiritual wellbeing and habits have a direct effect on our earthly relationships and overall relational wellbeing.

it can be really hard to forgive someone when they have done something that has hurt us or harmed us in some way. It would increasingly seem society no longer operates with forgiveness as a valued rhetoric, but rather encourages people to seek justice, compensation and even punishment for when someone has done us wrong.

Jesus demands a very different approach, to forgive as we have been forgiven. (Ephesians 4:32) This may seem a very difficult thing to do and far easier to say than put into practice, but as with most directives from God, the fundamental reason to do this is that it will do us good. Holding on to unforgiveness will erode into our joy and wellbeing and has been shown to exacerbate anxiety and depression. Effectively, it does us harm if we choose to hold on to unforgiveness.

It is important to remember that when we forgive someone it does not mean we accept what they did to us as right, in fact we make the decision to forgive still acknowledging what they did was wrong and had consequences to us. We forgive the person not the action.

Reconciliation goes a step further than forgiveness and the difference is that this process in part relies on the other person and their behaviour as well as our own and we can’t necessarily control or influence this. It may not be possible or even wise to seek reconciliation with someone who is unrepentant or is continuing to cause harm to yourself or others but it should be something we hope for and seek where appropriate.

Too much & too many? Perhaps driven by social media and the ease of being able to stay in contact with each other, many of us try to ‘overachieve’ in the number of relationships and ‘friendships’ we seek to have. In the Wellbeing Journey book, Dave Smith points out different types of relationship categories (Dr John Townsend) and sensible parameters around how many relationships we can meaningfully have within these: coaches, comrades, casuals, colleagues, care, chronics and contaminants. It is important to have the right balance of relationships across these categories for our relational wellbeing.

Jesus Himself modelled a healthy balance of relationship and level of connection with others with stronger intentional connection with: The three (Peter, James & John), the twelve (His group of disciples), friends (Mary Magdalene; Mary of Bethany, Martha & Lazarus), family (Mary His mother). He then had a different level of connection with the 72 (wider group of leaders He involved in His ministry) and the ‘crowds’ (those He ministered to and encountered from day to day). Additionally, He clearly recognised the value and importance of ‘community’ modelled in the establishment of His Church.

There is no doubt, our family relationships carry much weight with respect to our relational wellbeing, especially if strained or we have become estranged to family members. It is an interesting reflection that we get to choose our friends, which Church we belong to, with whom we work, even to whom we minister and care for, but we have no choice with respect to who is our parent, sibling, or child. It is fair to acknowledge that, for a multitude of reasons, it is sometimes difficult to get along with those to whom we are biologically related. This is often emphasised when it comes to our faith and decision to be a Christian and recognised by Jesus Himself (Matthew 10:35). It is in our family relationships that we will often need most the fruits of the Holy Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control). These relationships may also more commonly require us to step into forgiveness and reconciliation, which I have already discussed.